Coffin Talk

[TDM]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just poo in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY,
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
_________________
Greg @ TDM
www.TearDropMemories.com
www.MaidensMemoirs.com
www.NorthForkPets.com
www.WeSpeakAntique.com

[Lady Lazarus]

And just when I thought I'd heard them all... Thank you ever so much! There were a couple I'd actually never heard before! (and that was truly not meant to be sarcastic, in re-reading that I sounded like quite the smarty-pants)

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

What do you call three blondes standing ear to ear?

A windtunnel

And my personal favorite:

What is red, black, blue, and brown all over, and found in a ditch?

A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes!




j/k, teehee.

Thanks again!
_________________
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." ~George Bernard Shaw~

[TDM]

_________________
Greg @ TDM
www.TearDropMemories.com
www.MaidensMemoirs.com
www.NorthForkPets.com
www.WeSpeakAntique.com

[grasshopper]

these are a few good random ones....

New Lease on Life In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."
Submitted by Hank Chawansky

Vow of Silence Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."
Submitted by Alan Lynch

Power of Perception
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."
Submitted by Debby Carter

Ghostly Music
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."
Submitted by Jeremy Hone
_________________
~Revenge is a much more punctual paymaster than gratitude ~ Charles Caleb Colton

[TDM]

_________________
Greg @ TDM
www.TearDropMemories.com
www.MaidensMemoirs.com
www.NorthForkPets.com
www.WeSpeakAntique.com

[Frankie Todd]

Dem is good.
I get the best material from CT.
_________________
Frankie Todd
Sunny Flor-i-duh

"Where did you do your education?"
"At a school called George Washington El.."
"Oh. GWU? Great school. My brother went there. Did you pledge?"
"Every morning."
Tom Hanks and adult employer in Big.

[Angel of Death]

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www.homestead.com/askjeane

It's a wonderful afterlife!