Coffin Talk

[Zachary Byron Helm]

I have been meaning to post on this for quite some time and I have been a bit busy, but here it is.

In a little over 30 days Hearse Con will be happening and I have a driveway full of hearses that while they run great, look like poo and need lots of help.



For those of you who don’t know, hearse ownership goes like this –

You buy one, then it starts breaking and you realize it’s almost cheaper to buy another one than fix the screwed up one you’re currently driving. Before long you’ve got a driveway full of property value lowering vehicles.

The good news is, thanks to Amber I am connected with her soon to be father in law who has a body shop where I can work on the cars. The bad news is, like any proud, red blooded American honkey, I like to take up tasks that have very little chance of actually being accomplished. As such a group of friends and I are going to attempt to fix up AT LEAST 3 hearses in 30 days.

I can already tell you that this is going to be one of those endeavors that ends with total exhaustion and lots of creative expletives. Usually when I embark on these projects I remain delusionally confident that I CAN and WILL complete them on time. Some of you out there might know what I am talking about...you've got a car show at 10:00 AM that day and it is currently 4:00 AM in the morning and you've slept 5 hours in 3 days, yet you still think that there is some way you are going to get the car painted, all four tires changed and the new motor dropped in in a couple of hours.

That may be the case with this one, but we are sure as hell going to try.

Here is what we've got -



1973 Superior 3 Way, "Savannah". This car was my first hearse and I sold her to someone who wrecked her into a local grocery store. I got her back and she now needs considerable rust repair, a new windshield, frame straightening and all new paint.

This was my very first hearse. I remember buying it and being terrified of driving it faster than about 15 miles per hour. I sold her during a time of trouble in my life and always regretted it.

Well the next owner of the car was busy showing off for some girls outside of a local grocery store called “King Soopers” (yeah, we know it’s a stupid grocery store name, but pretty much every state has a store with a retarded name…Piggly Wiggly? Come on…)

He had applied a very liberal coat of Armorall to the seat and was doing a burnout around a corner without a seat belt on and as a result he slid across the seat when turning and yanked the steering wheel to the left, thus running the car into the loading dock. As a result of him being goth and screwing up this car we called him “King Spookers” for years to come, which he loved. Nothing beats a nickname that reminds you of a traumatic automobile accident for making you feel loved!


Image circa 2000

1975 Superior 3 way - Jason's hearse, this was his first and only, again it was sold during a time of transition in his life and thanks to Traveller from Hearseclub.com he now has this car back. The downside is the paint was completely ruined and the interior was taken out along with the casket table.



1964 Oldsmobile, "Abby" - This is the hearse I have owned the longest. Basically back in 2001 a couple friends and I did some body work on her, one friend assured me that he was an expert body man, but it turns out…not so much. I really didn’t know anything either so the prepwork was poo, the new paint looked horrible and it’s bugged me since the day it was done and I now want to redo it all.

On a side note here, SCREW MAACO. Worst paint jobs EVER. I went with them on paint because I figured a national chain could handle it. Wrong.

First off, they pulled the whole “Your vehicle is big so we have to charge you more” trick. I think unless you pull up in a Big Wheel they tell you that you’re ride is oversized. $400 paint special my ass!

They also apparently don’t know how to wash a car before painting it. On top of everything else the paint started oxidizing and going to pot after the first year. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend Maaco to paint your fingernails let alone your ride.

At any rate, the body work we did is rejecting under the lousy Maaco paint and I have wanted to restore this now for some time. So, that being said, here are some pictures of days 1-3 of what we are officially calling "3 Hearses 30 Days"




Savannah a while back...



Straightening the frame



Before...



After



At the end of day 1...



You know how retards are always seeing dust specks in pictures and claiming they are "Orbs!" or "Ghosts?" those people crack me up because it never occurs to them that there just MIGHT be some dust in the basement or on their lens. See if you can spot the ghostly demon orb in this picture!



The area where the previous owners head hit the windshield.



By the way, hearse doors are FREAKING HEAVY especially when you are removing them by yourself.



Interior stripped out...



The end of day one for Savannah



Abby at the beginning of day 1



Halfway through...by which I mean to say "Nowhere near even approaching the visible end of what will surely be a nightmare riddled hell ride...from HELL.





Yeah, we're doing it peace by peace, and probably a bit backwards, but you know what? I've watched the professionals, and this is about how they do it too, so I don't feel that bad. More updates and pictures to come later.

[Scary Guy]

Why is it everyone hates the hearse subforum?

In any case good luck, and I wish I lived close enough to go.
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[davestlouis]

Wow, ya jumped in with both feet didn't you? Good luck on the project!

[Zachary Byron Helm]

[Mr.Pyre]

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[72h2kaw]

I have to hand it to you Zach, that is quite the project. I for one would never attempt to do any form of body work on a car whatsoever.
Keep giving us updates.
Richard

[Zachary Byron Helm]

More pictures of our progress. We were sanding and taking the rear windows out last night which was awesome because both Superior as well as Cotner Bevington coach builders use a substance to seal their windows that I refer to as "The Black Tar Demon Spunk of Satan" which is this gunk that NEVER dries and is hell to get off of a window.







Slow progress that day, but good progress as we didn't break the one window that is laminated safety glass and already has several cracks in it.[/img]

[Scary Guy]

I love action shots! Especially those that show you how things actually come apart. Some of that info comes in handy when you're trying to fix stuff.
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[72h2kaw]

Looks good Zach. Keep up the good work!

Richard

[mike lang]

You can do it Zach, I've got a sliced bbq beef po-boy (outside cut ONLY, just the bark) riding on this...
Mike
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[Bodybagging]

tik tik tik tik, Hows it coming Zachary?
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